New Notes
by BUheyhey
Summary: New notes work


"So what? I might have expected her to do that. Might have expected it? No. I was such an egotist, in face I so lacked respect for other people, that I couldn't even conceive that she'd ever do that. I couldn't stand it." ( p.91)…

Throughout my entire existence I have encountered just one individual whom I would even dare to think would be as noble or have a fraction of decency in which Liza has just embodied. This individual was my brother, Maksim. I do not mention him prior to my encounter with Liza because Maksim was hung for being, well different. No, not different. By different I mean better, more unique than the men with no genuine, authentic thoughts or feelings. Feelings that have been taken and then recited directly from that of a book that has been permitted to be published by men in the aforementioned group. A book that takes no chances, states what's simple, obvious, dull, and has then of course been regarded as a literary masterpiece. My brother was a man who lived his life, fully, not halfway as the rest of the population does. People blindly accept the facts and thoughts of the men who came before them. The men who wrote the rules and said, "This is right" and "This is wrong." The men who wake at dawn to forego yet another repetition of the daily routine, while my brother disregarded "real-life" stereotype. He believed in his own ideas, which was not conforming to fit into a society of robots. If Maksim came to a wall, he would not stand there, still as can be and not act. Maks would find another root around it, or through it. We all do and accept what we are told, follow the rules, act "normal". But what is normal? Obey your parents, by listening to them, and fulfilling your duties as a child. Next go to a university, become and educated man. Learn the theories and formulas for which you life will revolve around. Then become a profession in which society will set you on a pedestal. A physician, attorney, etc. Any job is acceptable just so long as it heightens your appearance among your peers. Reproduce and have children, teach them the family morals, and keep them tidy and proper. Lastly, spend every day working hard until your old age. Once you hit your old age, no one requires, expects nor believes you are capable do anything at all, so a job is no longer needed. Is this really the perfect life? Trying to fit into a society where your every move is judged? We read these books of the great philosophers and think we are suppose to have lives like these. We look at an arithmetic problem and immediately presume it is correct and there is no way around it. We accept what we are told. Children will go to school and learn that two times two is four, yet why does no one question its validity? I have stated that my intelligence is presumably higher then the average man, so was that of my brother. He did not accept that two times two is four. He inquired about everything, and went further then the "wall" into the depths of the world, where no one goes. Maksim and myself wanted to know what, why, how? No one however had any answers, nor were they interested in the question. Are we too scared to ask, or too scared of the answer we might receive. Everything we have learned, been taught to do might be undermined should we be presented with an unexpected answer. If we lose our sacred books, theories, or technologies we will be lost, not knowing what to do. We would become objects lost in space. We place an overwhelming amount of attention on our superficial values rather then our thoughts and our minds. Instead of standing up and questioning the impossible, we place more emphasis on living quarters, attire, income, number of serfs, and if the tea we are serving is appropriate. We are pawns of society, waiting to be moved and told what to do, how to act, and what to think. So crippled by this weakness, it is hard to recognize when a true radical stands before you. I myself am more ignored and invisible then recognized. Maksim however was stronger then me. He did not accept being unseen. He strived to make his thoughts and theories heard, and then accepted. Although it did not matter much to him whether they were, he wanted to create a race of higher thinking. Maksim wished to enlighten the world. As I work to stay away from people, Maksim had faith that they would understand, comprehend, and wish to aquire the information he had possessed. "How can anyone miss such a radical man", you say? Not only did you miss him, you killed him for it. A man who thinks such as I think and who questions such as I question lived in the real world, not underneath it, and was persecuted for it. Our culture and race continuously pushes away the individuals who dare to question the textbooks, or the way of life. People are cowards, and scared what will happen were someone to change their way of being. Our phobias and fears lie in the hands of societal roles. The cycle will not be broken until one of the pawns defies the player and switches the roles around. It is in this role reversal with Liza that I refer back to my brother's radical actions and expressions. He brought everyone's desires and feelings to the surface, attempting to rid them of their fears. After his passing, fear struck harder then ever. Humans are controlled by fear and it is out of fear that I remain the Underground man.

Here I go talking about our thoughts, and philosophical views on the world and on time, yet I have not yet really explained anything. I have convinced myself that I am and will remain to be Underground as a direct effect of my brother's death. I am not underground in fear you see. I have chosen to live here. Just as I have chosen to accept that two times two is five, I have chosen to live my life this way. I am not afraid of not knowing. This is what separates me from them; the rest of the population that fears the unknown and the new.

Maksim and I grew up in the local orphanage. Although this once bothered me, I have learned that my lack of parental control and rules has altered, yet helped me in adulthood. I was raised with no preconceived notions of how the world is meant to be. I was forced, and left to raise my own questions and accusations about various topics. Nothing was ever told to us or mandated to us. All of our ideas were completely original, enabling us to go to school, learn, and then derive our own theories from those of our textbooks and teachers. We had no family customs to abide by, or any elders whose company we had to uphold. Throughout our studies, I was always opinionated but learned quickly that my opinions did not fit the norm. It was best if I thought vigorously to myself. My brother however did not catch on as quickly, and wanted everyone to hear what he had to say. Authority frightened me. I don't know why it controlled me so, and had nearly any effect on my brother, but that was how it was. We would be preaching our radical views to small gatherings of people, and as soon as law enforcement arrived, I would flee. I hate myself for fleeing. Every time, I said I would stay and talk peacefully and intellectually. Every time though, something in me just ran. It was like I had no control over my legs or my body. My mind was trapped in a separate world, a separate time, waiting for the day that it can be independent of the body restraining it, and holding it down. During our years of studying he would constantly rile up the students, preaching his wise words of wisdom to them. He would never run. He would help the hungry and oppressed by giving them food and preaching to them of a more advanced government where everyone was seen as equals. As he got older, Maks was looked down upon by the other teachers and students, yet he still persisted in getting his voice and his visions heard and seen. People thought we were crazy, but he was radical, as was I. He was more intent on spreading his viewpoints, while I was more insistent on making sure my peers knew how much more intelligent then them I was. I never cared much for people, but as stated early, every now and then I like to see what is going on and to remind them of my superior intelligence.

I always enjoyed discussing these various topics with Maksim, however it was never my intent to discuss them with the country. After our younger schooling years, we went on to a university and received another education that could be purchased in a book. Here is where I met Zverkov and my other colleagues. I always assumed that part of their hatred towards me evolved partly from the hatred they had for my brother. I always tried to impress them, get them to see how primitive they all thought compared to me. Maksim however, was more concerned with getting the government and all over Russia to notice his extreme wits. This is when he started writing. He wrote journals to the public describing a world where the lower class didn't suffer, and the nobles were not given the amount of power that they currently posses. In these journals, which he later published into a small, local newspaper, he criticized the government and implemented the way he thought it should be run. Maks, being the intellectual that he was, knew how risky this was and how those in power would react to it. It never fazed him, a true hero. Maks was not living the "fake" life. He was living his life fuller and in more depth then men living into their 90's. He was able to eliminate the "fear factor", by listening to what he believed and believing in what he knew was right. His IQ was a gift, but mine has seemed to curse me. Maks was eventually arrested for his newspaper, and later killed. That's right, killed for thinking and doing things the rest of us only wish and dream we can do. I would have rather been Maks and died at age 23, then live in the underground for more than one year.

I fled the country after Maksim's death. I know you're probably thinking, "What a coward to run away and not stay to defend his brother's honor!" I did stay, and for about a week too. I feverishly worked at creating my own paper, with the literature and text Maksim and I had spoken of. I worked diligently for 1 week, and after one week I tried to publish my paper 5 times, before I realized this was not what Maks would have wanted. He would want me to live and continue to make progress, being dead would do no good for humanity. The process and how I got to death was what was important. If I die now, my death would be for nothing. I hadn't accomplished anything yet. I thought, and contemplated of a way to survive, yet not conform my ways of life and where I stand. I wanted more then ever to stand on my brother's side, but how was that possible, I thought, if I didn't want to be killed as he was. Is there really a way? Can there be a way to live the life I want, without surrendering my intelligence and individuality? The answer I came up with was no. No there is no way in this day and age to be an individual. It is better to stand and do nothing then to conform to a society that is already dead. To have radical ideas and thoughts is equivalent to committing suicide. No one is open to new ideas or change. Everyone sits contently with their books and ideals about love, and hate, and right and wrong. Oh, when will the world be ready to break out of its shell? When will we be able to accept the fact that there is so much more to life then what's right under our noses! There are so many colors in the world, so why do we only paint our lives in black and white? Out of the dullness, came my underground world. I could not live amongst the majority population and speak freely of my views, yet I could not repress my feelings and live as a robot amongst the commoners. I regretfully came to the conclusion that the only possible way out of my turmoil was to keep my views and feelings, and take them underground, to a different world. Do this and doing nothing is better then living above ground in a fake world. In this world people wouldn't know, care or believe anything I said. Underground, I was safe and my perception on life was locked away with me. Above grounders live incomplete lives, they don't do what they want to do, and they act according to societal obligations. They have no choice in what they do. I as the Underground man get to make my own choices everyday. I have chosen to live underground and I have chosen what to believe in. This makes me better then them. I have the power of choice. Choice is something too powerful and rare for people to understand. No, we would much rather live in a world where everything is told to us, the less choice we have the more organized and united we will be. I could never live that way and I know my brother would have never wanted me to. It is better to be Underground then to have my freedom of choice taken away. The Underground is where I have chosen to reside, and although I know there is an in between somewhere, I have yet to find this alternative.

"But my how I have gone on about my brother when I'm suppose to be talking of Liza. How stunned I was to see how noble and proud she was. I truly haven't met anyone such as her since my beloved Maksim was killed."

So I began to think. Why is it that I have never encountered another human being such as Liza. Was it that I didn't try to meet people? Probably so but that wasn't it. I've heard people talk about soul mates. The whole idea is completely preposterous to me. The idea that you can't chose your mate in life, that they are already selected for you by a higher cause. How can you not be able to choose who you wish to spend you life being compatible with. There can never be real love if you can't decide on whom you want. Wait, but I'm lying. I would indeed like a companion, however I'm not compatible. No one would dare get involved with me. Remember, I'm a sick, spiteful, and unattractive man. I don't' know how to love. I can only love those I can dominate and tyrannize. I love the power and feeling of control. But maybe there's more to love then power. Maybe in some instances two times two is four and there's no need to make it five. Are things meant to be analyzed extensively, or is life really just like an arithmetic problem, with one definitive answer? As the underground man I can write freely and express my deepest, most inner thoughts, yet there is no one to listen. I envy Liza and her ability to live amongst normal people yet be an honorable and original individual. Maybe love, true love and not power, shared with Liza, is the alternative I have been searching for, for twenty years! Is it possible that the way to live above ground is to not live whole, but live half, while your lover lives the other half for you? Together, creating a whole, full life. Yes I think it is possible. For reason unknown to me Liza loves me. I can see it in her eyes. If I can find a way to love her in the way I described to her at _that_ _place_ then I truly will have found my way. Liza tolerates and agrees with my thoughts, my rambling, my tone. Through her I can come out of the Underground and live my life. Liza has filled the hole that was left with the passing of my brother. With her I will work toward coming out of the Underground and fulfilling the goals my brother once set forth for society.


End file.
